Doing Science With Kevin Swanson

nobodybroughtupleviticus18I hate to break it to you godless nerds, but according to talk radio giant Kevin Swanson (of whom I had never heard until this story hit my news feed), Star Trek: Into Darkness is a pretty evil movie, because it’s all about having sex with aliens, which we all know never happened in the original series.

…and of course the whole premise of this is that within an evolutionary construct there is no real problem with speciation and cross-species mating, there’s no problem with that at all, in fact that’s how you evolve, that’s how you get evolution, and so the end result of course is that evolution has no basic problem with bestiality or cross-species mating.

And that, my friends, is how evolution works.  So glad he cleared that up for us.  And it’s awesome that he’s able to filter out all that other stuff to get to the heart of the movie – the sex scene between Kirk and a couple of hot alien babes. [Read more...]

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 45: Leviticus 21:16-23

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello folks and welcome. It’s that time of the week where I bless you and your remaining work days with an espresso shot of Jesus love in the form of hand picked verses from his best-selling book. I’ve got some good news for you all, remember that couple who was in the news recently because they killed another one of their sick children by praying for them instead of actually doing something helpful like seeking medical care? Well, they’ve agreed to let the city of Philadelphia administer care to seven remaining children that they haven’t yet killed through the negligence promoted by their church. And by “agreed to let” I mean that courts ruled that the city would do this regardless of their murderous parents’ wishes, as the seven children are in foster care currently, and the couple is alright with that. I’m so glad we checked with them about that. I’m sure we can all rest better knowing that these two repeat child murders don’t object to the court’s ruling. But enough ranting, here’s today’s (uncommonly lengthy) verse!

The Lord said to Moses,“Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.’”

Leviticus 21:16-23

I can’t tell if this is the requirements for being a priest or an Abercrombie employee. God must really like chiseled male abs.

Creationists Put Their Money Where Their Mouth Is

Dr. Joseph Mastropaolo, whom the creationists are rather proud of because he has a real live PhD (in kinesiology), has placed a bet against we evolutionists: Prove before a judge that science contradicts the literal book of Genesis, and you can win even odds on $10,000.

I’m pretty tempted to do it, though not positive where I’d come up with $10,000 for the pot (maybe my dad would loan me some of his retirement fund?). Creationism has failed in US courts no less than six times: Epperson v. Arkansas (1968), Daniel v. Waters (1975), Hendren v. Campbell (1977), McLean v. Arkansas Board of Education (1981), Edwards v. Aguillard (1987), and Kitzmiller v. Dover (2005). The odds of it succeeding now are pretty much negligible, making this the safest 100% ROI you’ll ever make.

Frankly, I’d feel sort of bad taking the guy’s money so easily, but I’d obviously put it to better use than he would. I’d probably give a big chunk of it to the Against Malaria Foundation, for instance. A lot of scientists will balk at giving this guy any more attention, but come on; he’s going to spend that money supporting Creationist things if we don’t take it from him.

Mastropaolo has really set the bar pretty low here. Any scientist in any discipline will do (probably so he can include himself), and all you have to do is prove that the literal account in Genesis is unscientific. You don’t have to disprove the Bible; you don’t have to undermine Intelligent Design; you don’t have to prove evolution is true; you don’t even have to prove Creationism is false. All you have to do is show that the literal book of Genesis is not science. You could literally cite Papal Encyclicals to that effect; you wouldn’t even need science books. I’m thinking maybe just reading a couple paragraphs from each of about a hundred science textbooks, stacking them all up in the courtroom.

There is one bad sign however: He’s said he’ll do this before, and hasn’t gone through with it.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits: Week 38 – Job 10:10

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title Image

Hello everyone and welcome to another fantastic and spiritually uplifting edition of The Bible’s Greatest Hits. Every Wednesday I provide you with a healing, vital dose of Biblical wisdom to lift your spirits and propel you through the remainder of your boring, tiresome work week. But first, a couple short news items. Theocracy rears its ugly head once again in Iran as five Christians are set to be tried in court for practicing their faith. When a 5 person home church is “threatening national security”, you’re doing national security wrong. Next up, another study for man-made climate change deniers to ignore, hurray! Now, without any more of that nonsense, here’s this week’s verse.

Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

Job 10:10

Yeah baby, curdle me! Curdle me more!

Music Monday: “Rated T for Tolerance.” No, really.

Whoa boy. The contradictions run rampant throughout this one! Besides being a rap without a rapper, lines like “don’t propagate your hate” and “this is not to discriminate” parallel a devastating lack of awareness in adopting the video title; it’s something of a tour de force in ignorance.

The Weekly Roundup: 3/2/13-3/8/13

Each week, Crocoduck brings you the most cringe-inducing, mind-scrambling Tweets and Facebook posts from everyone’s favorite Creationist, evangelist, or just garden-variety stooges. If you’ve found a particularly entertaining Twitter feed or Facebook page of a prominent stooge, let us know  in the comments so we can follow and share.


Hello everyone and welcome to the totally-not-3-days-late edition of The Weekly Roundup. As always, I am looking for more fun Twitter/Facebook feeds of silly, irrational people to follow and share. So, if you know of any, please clue me in.

To start us off this week, John Piper got high and took to Twitter to ask one of those really important, pot-fueled questions about life and the universe.

PiperEarth [Read more...]

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 37: Haggai 2:8

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageWell folks, it’s that time of the week again where the coming weekend is closer than the previous and we can all get through the next couple days by simply repeating to ourselves, “Saturday is coming, Saturday is coming…” To help break you out of your midweek funk and prep you for crazy-fun-times, I’m here with a real zinger of God’s wisdom taken directly from his love letter to you. I’d like to point out that this week’s verse is from the book of Haggai, which only has 2 chapters. It’s really more like a pamphlet than a book. C’mon Jesus, you can do better than that.

 ‘The silver is mine and the gold is mine,’ declares the Lord Almighty.

Haggai 2:8

I suppose you’re just going to say that Boardwalk, Park Place, and all the railroads are yours too. Playing Monopoly with you gets old really fast, God.

Cancer is Hilarious


I recently attended a comedy/ventriloquism performance at a local casino (hey, don’t judge. The tickets were free).   I’d never heard of the guy, but a quick web search revealed that he does “family friendly” entertainment.  Not usually my gig, but I was willing to check it out, and I will freely admit, his singing ventriloquist schtick was surprisingly impressive.  Unfortunately, after building up some momentum, this guy blew it all when he opted to turn it into a very special episode of (insert generic 80s sitcom title here) by setting aside the dummies to sing a song about… a kid dying of cancer.


And to make it even better, the song was accompanied by massive projected images of pencil sketches of… yes, a bald, dying child.  A real knee-slapper, amirite?  It’s all okay, though.  Sure, a little kid died of cancer, but hey!  Jesus totally gave him a horse and took him horseback riding in heaven.  Praise god from whom all cancers flow!  Your goodness is truly unfathomable. [Read more...]

The Weekly Roundup – 2/16/13-2/22/13

Each week, Crocoduck brings you the most cringe-inducing, mind-scrambling Tweets and Facebook posts from everyone’s favorite Creationist, evangelist, or just garden-variety stooges.

Starting us off this week is the unparalleled wisdom of Ray Comfort, whose response to those who don’t want to be proselytized to is a gleeful, “Shut up and listen to me harder.”

Ray Comfort 2.17.13

Next we have this beauty from Joel Osteen. I guess the biggest struggle for Joel’s all-powerful God is against ordinary people. Keep up the good work, ordinary people. Let’s keep God bogged down. [Read more...]

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 35: Micah 5:12

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello and welcome everyone to another edition of the Bible’s Greatest Hits, a weekly dose of important scriptural medicine to help get you through the most “meh” day of the week. But before I lift your spirits with a shot of God’s wisdom on ice, I want to share a concern of mine. You see, I recently happened upon this blog post by Ken Ham highlighting the fact that the Ark Encounter, a Noah-inspired theme park AiG is planning to build in Kentucky met it’s year-end fundraising goal. Ok, you caught me, “happened upon” is a bit of a misnomer since Hamcorder’s blogs all show up in my email inbox. What can I say, I’m a masochist. Anyway, that fundraising goal was $3 million. Yup, people donated millions of dollars to celebrate that time when God supposedly wiped out the entire population of the Earth (minus 8 people and some animals). With that in mind, I’m now accepting donations for my own atrocity-inspired theme park, Auschwitz Funland.

Enough of that though, let’s check out this week’s verse!

I will destroy your witchcraft
    and you will no longer cast spells.

Micah 5:12


C’mon, Jesus! You’re the worst DM ever!