Throwback Thursday: Michael W. Smith – Picture Perfect

Michael W. Smith’s 1992 album Change Your World was the first CD my family owned. My sister and I had gone to a fundamentalist baptist school that held candy sale fundraiser every year. Depending on how much candy you sold there were different prizes you could choose from and one year we got enough to get the brand-new CD boombox. Since my family were rebellious, my parents got us the newest Michael W. Smith album; something our fellow fundies would have surely condemned us for. Rock music is evil, even (or especially) if it pretends to be Christian, or so it went. Here’s the opening track from the album “Picture Perfect”, in which Smith attempts a feminist anthem for the early 90s CCM crowd. Also, it was so totally my jam as a 9 year-old, for some reason. I suspect it was the synths.


I can’t fault the guy for trying, and this is fairly progressive compared to what other Christian singers were doing at the time, but the whole premise of female validation via male approval still misses the point. “Don’t worry ‘baby’, I’ll still give you the male attention you (obviously) need to have purpose in your life (because you’re a woman and that’s what women need), even if you aren’t perfect”. Also, if keeping up with the Joneses means wearing a red leather vest with the whatever-the-fuck web of arm straps that his backup dancers are wearing, count me out. I love the editing of this video, “Quick, he’s trying to dance, go to a wide shot before people realize how white he is” and the classic “cut to the drummer  because Michael’s lips aren’t in sync with the tape”. If you pay attention at 2:37, there’s a vocal on the tape that I’m pretty sure is black woman, but they just edited it to a shot of white dude backup singer and then the second half of the same vocal is a different white guy. Brilliant.


So Stupid It Hertz

Here, have some nonsense.

Someone posted a link to this article in a Facebook group I’m in and it is such a wonderful mixture of fundamentalism, pseudoscience, numerology, random capslock, and stupidity that I just had to share it with you all. It’s absolutely full of amazing bullshit, but the author does us the favor of summarizing with a hand top ten list (#6 is my favorite):


1.  432 hz. is the governing frequency of the created universe as measured by planetary alignments and orbital movements.

2.  The Ancient COVENANT HEBREWS used 432 hz. tuning on their instruments, and it became the basis of WORSHIP and OBLATIONS in the Hebrew Temple and Tabernacle, and later, the standard keynote pitch of Christian music worldwide.

3.  Despite over 40,000 petitions from musicians to have international  concert pitch remain unaltered at A=432Hz, concert pitch was changed to A=440Hz in October of 1953 by the International Standards Organization (ISO).  If something’s clearly not broken,  and people are happy with it, why try to change it?

4.  Maria Renold’s book “Intervals Scales Tones and the Concert Pitch C=128hz” shows rather conclusive evidence that 440Hz and raising concert pitch above scientific “C” Prime=128hz (Concert A=432hz) “disassociates the connection of consciousness to the body and creates anti-social conditions in humanity”.

5.  Many professional musicians have declared that A=432hz music seems to them to be non localized in nature, and can appear to fill a room, whereas A=440hz can perceived as directional or linear in sound propagation.

6.  If Hitler,  Goebbles, Rockefeller and Rothschild were proponents of 440 hz., is it really peaceful and beneficial to human beings?

7.  The original Stradivarius violins were designed to be tuned to A432 ONLY.  Many professional musicians have complained that the raising of concert pitch to 440 hz. or higher caused undue stress or warping of their expensive acoustic instruments such as their Stradivarius violins, and that 440 hz damages a singers vocal chords especially those of professional opera singers.

8.  Dr. John Coleman in his seminal book “The Committee of 300″ documented the “elitists” desire to control the collective consciousness of humanity.  Their use of A=440Hz as “pitch control in mass media” pushed hourly and daily through radio & television as the “British Invasion” of Rock & Roll was, according to Dr. Coleman, intentionally designed to create anti-social behaviors and to increase chronic disease states in the general public.

9.  The inventor of the Cymascope, John Stuart Reid declared on his Facebook page: ““432Hertz is a harmonic of light frequency – it ‘speaks’ or ‘resonates’ directly with our cells. All cells communicate with each other via infrared light so I imagine that when they receive music in 432 Hertz they are in joy. The conscious ‘you’ may not be aware of this, but most of what goes on in our bodies is sub conscious, thankfully! You can read more about how all sounds create infra red light in the physics section of our web site CymaScope™ ”

10.  432 is THE ONLY resonant frequency that is capable of naturally reproducing what is called the “Pythagorean Musical Spiral” in the water of the human cell. Its the same sequence of growth that all life follows. It utilizes the formula of “Phi” also know as the “Golden Mean” and is also found in the “Fibonacci sequence” throughout all of nature.

11,  The notes that come out in the A = 432 scale end up as mostly, whole numbers, and are divisible by 3. John Stuart Reid quotes, using the Cymascope/cymatics technology: “432 Hertz pops out as a triangle, every time we image it. We thought there was something wrong with the Cymascope, but after trying for more than an hour we concluded that the number 3 was somehow universally connected to 432 Hertz.”

12.  According to the harmonic principle by which any produced sound automatically resonates all the other multiples of that frequency, when we play C at 256 Hz, (when A is tuned to 432 hz) the C of all other octaves also begins to vibrate in “sympathy” and so, naturally, the frequency of 8Hz is also sounded. This is why (together with many other mathematical reasons) the musical pitch tuned to 432 oscillations per second is known as the “scientific tuning.”  This “scientific” tuning was unanimously approved at the Congress of Italian musicians in 1881 and recommended by the physicists Joseph Sauveur and Felix Savart as well as by the Italian scientist Bartolomeo Grassi Landi.  In contrast, the frequency chosen in London in 1953 as the worldwide reference frequency and which all music today has been tuned to, has come to be defined as ‘disharmonic’ because it has no scientific relationship to the physical laws that govern our universe, and exhibits no “Harmonic Principle” of the sacred number 8.

Call me convinced!

Christian Critics Struggle to Love Left Behind

Left Behind is currently rocking a 12 percent on MetaCritic, which makes it one of the most unlovable movies of the year. The Los Angeles Times, Entertainment Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and New York Daily News all gave it a big fat zero, but a handful of religious critics worked hard to find some positivity. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

Bob Hoose from managed to give it four out of five plugs:

Left Behind doesn’t leave us with an altar call. Nor does it leave your knuckles white after you watch the disaster unfold. But you can’t watch it without wondering what’s up with your own spiritual condition.

“The content is not objectionable” isn’t exactly a rave review, but Left Behind picked up three out of four stars from

Not all Christians expect the pre-tribulation Rapture presented in the movie, but most do expect the Second Coming of Jesus. To its credit the movie profoundly presents the question “are you ready?” The script and execution could have been better, but the content is not objectionable, and the message profound.

Raphael Vera’s review on is nearly 1600 words long and is punctuated with 3.5/5 stars. But how many of those stars were “for effort”?

“Left Behind” is a decently made, taut and suspenseful drama with enough humor to keep it interesting, but the small budget, by Hollywood measures, gives it a small screen (TV) quality that is occasionally hard to ignore. Messaging, however, is excellent (as far as it goes), and it made me wish this had instead been produced as a year-long TV series, as I do believe it deserves high marks for effort, though slightly lower for execution.

Christian Hamaker from was brutally honest:

While those constraints keep the new Left Behind from ever rising above mediocrity, the film is, for a while, tolerable. Then comes a horrendous final 30 minutes, which play like a bad TV show. Theological quandaries, never given detailed exploration amid the confusion experienced by the passengers on Ray’s plane, yield to stock disaster-movie tropes and an absurd finale. Although the filmmakers seem to think they’ve delivered a genuinely terrifying conclusion, the only frightening moment is an utterance from one surviving character: “I’m afraid this is just the beginning.”

Here’s an actual quote from’s review:

“Left Behind” (2014) has earned five Doves from The Dove Foundation, our best rating. It is entertaining, suspenseful, and will motivate viewers to examine their own lives.

Jackson Cuidon from “tried to give the film zero stars, but our tech system won’t allow it.” So, the movie ended with one star (out of four). Though, the user reviews place the film’s score at three out of four stars.

But my favorite review came from a MetaCritic user who successfully employed the phrase “down on Christianity.”

The movie was obviously not on a big budget and had some of the cliche “action movie” stunts in it, but overall the movie was very good. If you are down on Christianity, you will most likely rate this movie low. If you love Jesus, you will most likely like it.

Doing Science With Kevin Swanson

nobodybroughtupleviticus18I hate to break it to you godless nerds, but according to talk radio giant Kevin Swanson (of whom I had never heard until this story hit my news feed), Star Trek: Into Darkness is a pretty evil movie, because it’s all about having sex with aliens, which we all know never happened in the original series.

…and of course the whole premise of this is that within an evolutionary construct there is no real problem with speciation and cross-species mating, there’s no problem with that at all, in fact that’s how you evolve, that’s how you get evolution, and so the end result of course is that evolution has no basic problem with bestiality or cross-species mating.

And that, my friends, is how evolution works.  So glad he cleared that up for us.  And it’s awesome that he’s able to filter out all that other stuff to get to the heart of the movie – the sex scene between Kirk and a couple of hot alien babes. [Read more…]

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 45: Leviticus 21:16-23

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello folks and welcome. It’s that time of the week where I bless you and your remaining work days with an espresso shot of Jesus love in the form of hand picked verses from his best-selling book. I’ve got some good news for you all, remember that couple who was in the news recently because they killed another one of their sick children by praying for them instead of actually doing something helpful like seeking medical care? Well, they’ve agreed to let the city of Philadelphia administer care to seven remaining children that they haven’t yet killed through the negligence promoted by their church. And by “agreed to let” I mean that courts ruled that the city would do this regardless of their murderous parents’ wishes, as the seven children are in foster care currently, and the couple is alright with that. I’m so glad we checked with them about that. I’m sure we can all rest better knowing that these two repeat child murders don’t object to the court’s ruling. But enough ranting, here’s today’s (uncommonly lengthy) verse!

The Lord said to Moses,“Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.’”

Leviticus 21:16-23

I can’t tell if this is the requirements for being a priest or an Abercrombie employee. God must really like chiseled male abs.

Creationists Put Their Money Where Their Mouth Is

Dr. Joseph Mastropaolo, whom the creationists are rather proud of because he has a real live PhD (in kinesiology), has placed a bet against we evolutionists: Prove before a judge that science contradicts the literal book of Genesis, and you can win even odds on $10,000.

I’m pretty tempted to do it, though not positive where I’d come up with $10,000 for the pot (maybe my dad would loan me some of his retirement fund?). Creationism has failed in US courts no less than six times: Epperson v. Arkansas (1968), Daniel v. Waters (1975), Hendren v. Campbell (1977), McLean v. Arkansas Board of Education (1981), Edwards v. Aguillard (1987), and Kitzmiller v. Dover (2005). The odds of it succeeding now are pretty much negligible, making this the safest 100% ROI you’ll ever make.

Frankly, I’d feel sort of bad taking the guy’s money so easily, but I’d obviously put it to better use than he would. I’d probably give a big chunk of it to the Against Malaria Foundation, for instance. A lot of scientists will balk at giving this guy any more attention, but come on; he’s going to spend that money supporting Creationist things if we don’t take it from him.

Mastropaolo has really set the bar pretty low here. Any scientist in any discipline will do (probably so he can include himself), and all you have to do is prove that the literal account in Genesis is unscientific. You don’t have to disprove the Bible; you don’t have to undermine Intelligent Design; you don’t have to prove evolution is true; you don’t even have to prove Creationism is false. All you have to do is show that the literal book of Genesis is not science. You could literally cite Papal Encyclicals to that effect; you wouldn’t even need science books. I’m thinking maybe just reading a couple paragraphs from each of about a hundred science textbooks, stacking them all up in the courtroom.

There is one bad sign however: He’s said he’ll do this before, and hasn’t gone through with it.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits: Week 38 – Job 10:10

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title Image

Hello everyone and welcome to another fantastic and spiritually uplifting edition of The Bible’s Greatest Hits. Every Wednesday I provide you with a healing, vital dose of Biblical wisdom to lift your spirits and propel you through the remainder of your boring, tiresome work week. But first, a couple short news items. Theocracy rears its ugly head once again in Iran as five Christians are set to be tried in court for practicing their faith. When a 5 person home church is “threatening national security”, you’re doing national security wrong. Next up, another study for man-made climate change deniers to ignore, hurray! Now, without any more of that nonsense, here’s this week’s verse.

Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

Job 10:10

Yeah baby, curdle me! Curdle me more!

Music Monday: “Rated T for Tolerance.” No, really.

Whoa boy. The contradictions run rampant throughout this one! Besides being a rap without a rapper, lines like “don’t propagate your hate” and “this is not to discriminate” parallel a devastating lack of awareness in adopting the video title; it’s something of a tour de force in ignorance.

The Weekly Roundup: 3/2/13-3/8/13

Each week, Crocoduck brings you the most cringe-inducing, mind-scrambling Tweets and Facebook posts from everyone’s favorite Creationist, evangelist, or just garden-variety stooges. If you’ve found a particularly entertaining Twitter feed or Facebook page of a prominent stooge, let us know  in the comments so we can follow and share.


Hello everyone and welcome to the totally-not-3-days-late edition of The Weekly Roundup. As always, I am looking for more fun Twitter/Facebook feeds of silly, irrational people to follow and share. So, if you know of any, please clue me in.

To start us off this week, John Piper got high and took to Twitter to ask one of those really important, pot-fueled questions about life and the universe.

PiperEarth [Read more…]

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 37: Haggai 2:8

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageWell folks, it’s that time of the week again where the coming weekend is closer than the previous and we can all get through the next couple days by simply repeating to ourselves, “Saturday is coming, Saturday is coming…” To help break you out of your midweek funk and prep you for crazy-fun-times, I’m here with a real zinger of God’s wisdom taken directly from his love letter to you. I’d like to point out that this week’s verse is from the book of Haggai, which only has 2 chapters. It’s really more like a pamphlet than a book. C’mon Jesus, you can do better than that.

 ‘The silver is mine and the gold is mine,’ declares the Lord Almighty.

Haggai 2:8

I suppose you’re just going to say that Boardwalk, Park Place, and all the railroads are yours too. Playing Monopoly with you gets old really fast, God.