The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 49: Daniel 10:15

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title Image

Hello, hello everyone and welcome to the somewhat delayed 49th edition of the Bible’s Greatest Hits. I’m hoping that you’re all enjoying brilliant summer weather, relaxing on a beach somewhere, and sipping some sort of adult beverage as I write this. If not, than I hope the verse I have coming up at least lifts your spirit to the point where you feel like you’re sitting on a beach. I have one article I want to mention before I get there though. To use Colbert’s terms, this is a bit of a tip of the hat and a wag of the finger in one go. This Christian Post article about NFL Players Association selling pro-LGBTQ t-shirts bears some really good news. The fact that a major “macho” professional sports organization is stepping out to show that it isn’t bigoted is really positive, genuinely good news. So, tip of the hat to the NFLPA for being awesome. But before we get ahead of ourselves, read the second half of the article. It attempts to link this story with the Jason Collins coming out story, and more importantly ESPN’s Chris Broussard’s reaction to it. The Christian Post just can’t let themselves write an article about non-heterosexual anything without finding some way to sneak in an anti-LGBTQ message at the end. Wag of the finger CP, wag of the finger. With that out of the way, it’s time for a tasty piece of Bible meat.

 

And when he had spoken such words unto me, I set my face toward the ground, and I became dumb.

Daniel 10:15

Well, if you’re gonna keep diving face first into the ground, then you’re probably going to end up with some concussions there Danny. No wonder your thinker isn’t doing as good as it used to.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 47: Ecclesiastes 7:28

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello friends and welcome to the Bible’s Greatest Hits. I hope you’ve all got your hearts prepared for learning and inspiration from the Good Book because I’m about to share an incredibly meaningful and powerful verse from Jesus’ bestselling autobiography. But first, let’s talk about comets and the global flood. I happened upon this Examiner.com article by one Terry Hurlbut about calculating the date of the global flood based on the movement of the comets that jettisoned from the Earth “when a subcrustal ocean, once ten miles deep underground, broke confinement and rushed out of the bowels of the earth, at hypersonic speed”. According to the article, this is how comets came to be. Seriously. Anyway, according to Hurlbut and Dr. Walt Brown (Phd in mechanical engineering, i.e. comets?) the Flood happened in the year 3344.5 BC. I’m sure that half year is really important. Ken Ham and Co., however, have the date as 2348 BC, no .5 here.  Why am I sharing this? In part because the ocean comets thing is hilarious, but also because I love it when people argue over the details of something completely made up. It’s so entertaining. Now, how about that verse I promised?

Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things—
    while I was still searching
    but not finding—
I found one upright man among a thousand,
    but not one upright woman among them all.

Ecclesiastes 7:28

Yeah man. Chicks, what’s with them? Let’s go buy some Affliction t-shirts and workout, aight bro?

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 46: Romans 3:15

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title Image

Hello everyone and welcome to another life changing edition of The Bible’s Greatest Hits. I hope you’re all having a wonderful week, but if not I’ve got a piece of Biblical wisdom in store for you that will surely turn your fortunes around. Here in Minnesota we’re celebrating a legal victory over bigotry and religiosity in the form of legalizing same sex marriages. One giant step closer to destroying traditional marriage and ushering in the reign of Satan. All that’s left now is building the concentration camps for believers and turning all the children gay. In the meantime, enjoy this verse!

Their feet are swift to shed blood:

Romans 3:15

 

They might want to get that checked out. I bet their sock budget is massive.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 45: Leviticus 21:16-23

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello folks and welcome. It’s that time of the week where I bless you and your remaining work days with an espresso shot of Jesus love in the form of hand picked verses from his best-selling book. I’ve got some good news for you all, remember that couple who was in the news recently because they killed another one of their sick children by praying for them instead of actually doing something helpful like seeking medical care? Well, they’ve agreed to let the city of Philadelphia administer care to seven remaining children that they haven’t yet killed through the negligence promoted by their church. And by “agreed to let” I mean that courts ruled that the city would do this regardless of their murderous parents’ wishes, as the seven children are in foster care currently, and the couple is alright with that. I’m so glad we checked with them about that. I’m sure we can all rest better knowing that these two repeat child murders don’t object to the court’s ruling. But enough ranting, here’s today’s (uncommonly lengthy) verse!

The Lord said to Moses,“Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.’”

Leviticus 21:16-23

I can’t tell if this is the requirements for being a priest or an Abercrombie employee. God must really like chiseled male abs.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 44?: Ezekiel 23: 31

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageWell folks, it appears the unthinkable has happened. Actually, I’m surprised it hadn’t happened earlier. It seems I totally blanked last week and forgot to post a Greatest Hits. My deepest apologies to the families of the victims. Look, I’m just a simple guy who doesn’t actually remember what I was doing last week during the time I normally spend doing this. I’m sure it was important and in no way related to video games. Anyway, I hope you all managed to make it through the week without a boost from the Book. In other news, it’s May 1st, the day where everywhere that isn’t America celebrates International Worker’s Day while America tries really hard to pretend it didn’t execute innocent people over the 8 hour work week. Nope, nothing to see here. But enough of that, Spring is here (not really) and it’s about time we get to our verse.

 Thou hast walked in the way of thy sister; therefore will I give her cup into thine hand.

Ezekiel 23:31

 

Thus the Biblical tradition of hand me down bras was formed.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 43: 2 Samuel 4:3

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageWelcome everyone to another edition of The Bible’s Greatest Hits. I’ve been busy scouring Jesus’ best seller to find those under appreciated, yet spiritually potent verses that have just what you need to get you through a laborious and mind numbing week at work. We’ve been a bit quiet on the ‘ole Crocoduck lately, but I assure you it’s because we’ve been busy in the non-electronic world preparing wonderful things to share with you all. So, apologies for cutting this a bit short, but here’s your verse!

And the Beerothites fled to Gittaim, and were sojourners there until this day.

2 Samuel 4:3

Really Jesus, Beerothites? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore; you’re just looking around the room and adding “othites” to the objects near you. Don’t get me wrong, a nation united in the name of beer sounds like my kind of nation, but it’s hard to take you seriously when your made up names are so see-through.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 42: Luke 19:16

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageGood afternoon everyone and welcome to another humbling and spiritually potent edition of the Bible’s Greatest Hits. Of course, I have an amazing piece of Biblical wisdom to bestow upon you today, but first I want to talk about Wesley Snipes. Actually, it isn’t me that wants to, but a tax blogger over at Forbes who really, really wants to. Writer Peter J Reilly has pumped out two articles in the past few days relating the Demolition Man star’s pre-release from prison on tax related charges with the similar case of our much beloved Kent Hovind. I’m not sure that Reilly has any angle other than being interested in the tax law issues, though he does state in one of the articles that he isn’t a creationist. Reilly also points out that Eric Hovind’s application and approval for non-profit status for Creation Today provides telling counter evidence for his father’s claims that the IRS discriminates against creationists. Touche. But enough of that, here’s today’s verse!

Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds.

Luke 19:16

Look, it’s been winter and I haven’t been getting outside to exercise. And the holidays are really difficult with all the food and candy, but you don’t have to rub it in, all right? Geez.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 41: Judges 16:22

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageWelcome everyone to another theologically important and emotionally uplifting edition of the Bible’s Greatest Hits. I’m here to gently nudge you over the edge of the heartbreaking grind of the early workweek and begin rolling you down the hill toward the glorious weekend. Speaking of the weekend, if you’re in the Minneapolis area this weekend, I highly recommend you head over to Skep-Tech. It’s “A FREE conference to celebrate the relationship between innovation and critical thinking” taking place at the University of Minnesota campus. A lot of interesting speakers (PZ Meyers, Greta Christian, Hemant Mehta, etc…) are on the schedule and some us Crocoduck folks (myself included) will be hanging around as well. Though, not knowing what we look like, you’ll just have to ask everyone whether or not they are us. With that out of the way, here’s this week’s verse!

But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved.

Judges 16:22

Not only is Jesus the President of the Hair Club for Prophets, he’s also a client.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 40: John 21:5

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHoly shit, I’ve been doing this for 40 weeks. What have I been doing with my life? I mean, there are so many great things I could be doing with my time instead of making dick jokes about out of context Bible verses. Forty goddam weeks of my life dedicated to this. I mean, sure it’s really only one day each week, but come on. I really need a new hobby… I know it’s early for April Fool’s, but I couldn’t resist. Welcome everyone to this (not very) special Easter/April Fool’s edition of the Bible’s Greatest Hits. I’ve got a tasty slab of Bible warming in the oven, but first some links for you to ignore. First off, it’s bad news for baldies as a new study offers evidence in support of the hypothesis that early baldness is linked to a higher risk of prostate cancer. Next, for our special Easter edition, I give you this premortem on a product that you’ll probably not be seeing on a shelf near you, the Real Easter Egg. Finally, I give you this week’s Bible verse, enjoy!

 

Then Jesus saith unto them, Children, have ye any meat? They answered him, No.

John 21:5

 

After 40 weeks, I think you can make your own dick jokes about this one.

The Bible’s Greatest Hits – Week 39: Amos 5:21

The Bible's Greatest Hits - Title ImageHello everyone and welcome all to yet another outstanding and spiritually uplifting edition of The Bible’s Greatest Hits. Each week I do my best to bring you a delightful slice of the blueberry pie from Jesus to you that is the Bible. I won’t promise that my metaphors will always (or ever) make sense, but there you have it. I hope you all survived St. Patrick’s Day and are currently slugging your way through another dull work week. Now that all the Pope nonsense has been excavated from the bowels of the news cycle, my inbox is looking pretty dull so I’m just going to get straight to this week’s verse. Enjoy!

I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
    your assemblies are a stench to me.

Amos 5:21

Especially your High School assemblies. Spirit Week? Really!? Fuck that.